Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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