a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
