Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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