Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
