Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
