Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
