I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize