I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
