fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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