i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
