Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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