just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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