so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
