do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
