just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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