dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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