i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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