Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
