So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
