Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
