if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize