That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
