There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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