I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
