My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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