You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
