i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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