i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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