we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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