'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
