half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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