Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
