wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
