I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
