If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
