i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
