I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
