There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
