Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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