I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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