youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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