i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
