Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize