The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
