Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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