The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
