Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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