I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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