Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
