we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
