Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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