This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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