Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
