Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
