Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
