He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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