I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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