party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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