So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She's the barista slut.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
