Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
