Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
